“So,” he says, leaning forward, with a smug glint in his eye, “after seeing the mess that’s America, you’re moving back here after you graduate, aren’t you?”

“Actually,” I tell him, “I’m based out of New York right now and the company’s doing well. If I stay, I’ll be staying on the East Coast. It’s easier because of the time difference.”

He loses the smugness. His eyes pan over to my parents, who are suddenly very occupied with the food on their plates.

One of my godmothers tries to take a positive spin.

“She’s grown up there for so long - of course she’ll stay in the west!”

But then even she looks over at me. “Why don’t you go to England instead? Isn’t it still great?” (I can tell she’s looking for affirmation that her daughter, who went to Cambridge, is still at the top of the pack by being in the UK vs the US.)

“Because,” I sigh. “Europe is slowing down. I’ve been to France, I’ve been to Germany, I’ve been to England. It’s fine, I guess, but not the culture and the pace I’m looking for. Whether it’s quality of life or opportunity, I think America’s still unbeaten for early career development.”

She turns back to the single piece of gai lan in front of her.

—

Later in the dinner, it comes up again, in whispers to my parents.

“She’s fully Americanized - listen to the way she speaks English!”

”Look at the way she does her eye makeup - the eyeliner, that’s how they do it in America.”

“Why is she walking so fast? Is everyone in a rush in America?”

I turn the other way and insert myself into any other conversation.

—

Another auntie asks me how living on my own is. I tell her it’s okay. There are some great people around me.

“And what do you usually cook for yourself?” I can tell she’s asking out of genuine care. “Oh wait - let me guess - just sandwiches and toast and salads, right? Like the Americans eat?”

So close.

“No,” I respond. “I cook Asian food most of the time. My friend groups are also 80% Asian so when we go out, it’s usually Chinese or Korean or Vietnamese cuisine.”

She looks surprised.

“But that’s only in Toronto,” the first uncle chimes in again. “In New York, there’s not that much to eat. Nothing’s good. You only get bagels and hot dogs.”

This time, even my dad intervenes. He tells him about the great food in Chinatown and Flushing, Queens (I’m proud because these are places I showed him. Go dad.)

“You just need to know where to look and be open to trying new things, like any new place you go to.” He says.

—

It’s conversations like these that have made me realize that I can’t truly build a life for myself in Asia. Not anymore, anyways.

When I was younger, I genuinely believed there was a chance I would relocate, permanently, to Singapore or Hong Kong (where I have the most ties) after substantial career development in North America. Maybe Tokyo. Maybe Seoul. 5-10 years ago, I believed that, behaviorally and values-wise, I aligned more with Asia than the West. I was insulted when people called me a CBC (Canadian-born Chinese) or ABC (American-born Chinese). I thought I was one of the locals.

Heck, I even told ex-boyfriends that one day, we’d move and build a life there.

These days I find myself defending a place I’m not even from. I’ve worked and built circles predominantly in SF and NY, but not enough to say that I’ve truly lived there. But coming back to Asia and mingling with older generations for the first time as a young adult has made me see just how wide the schisms of thought are.

Older folks in Asia tend to use their past leverage over the West - in innovation, economy, finance, efficiency, governance, what else - as a weak, aged crutch.

They’re like blinders. To put it bluntly, many of them are stuck in the 1990s-2010s era, where certain cities, like Hong Kong and Singapore, experienced exponentially faster growth than cities in America. To them, they’re still accelerating ahead at the same pace in 2024. They reference the bullet trains, mixed healthcare system, and fingerprint-ID crime detection they have, jeering at the States.

Okay - but what about the driverless cars casually roaming around SF, neuralink implants in human subjects, and anti-aging research that’s coming out? (I put anti-aging in bold because, for people who care so much about vanity and looking youthful, they’re quite ignorant of what’s possible).

Either they’ve never heard of them or think they’re lies. Because, apparently, nothing America does is honest or truthful. If they succeed, it’s a well-deserved win against America. If America succeeds, it must be a farce. Deception. Motivated by some other war in the Middle East to enrich themselves.

There’s never a shortage of excuses that I’m sick of.

Part of why I feel so strongly is because I’ve been fortunate enough to see so many of these developments being built by friends and people I cherish incredibly deeply. The US (and certain parts of Canada - looking at you, Waterloo) has some of the most ambitious, motivated, curious, and purpose-driven people I have ever met, many of whom are in my age range. To be that young and doing things that incredible - for example, I’ve got friends building wearables to read dreams and others building things for NASA at age 17 - SHOULD NOT equate to being belittled and torn down by someone halfway across the world, diminishing your effort as merely a government war tactic. It infuriates me.

Moreover, my mood and my attitude are quite influenced by the mood and attitude of people around me. And where Americans (at least, the ones I’m around) see opportunity, the Asians (again, the ones I’m around) see negativity. That affects me.

A few examples.

Having 3-5 internships/co-op terms pre graduation: (US) - a great diversity of work experience! The opportunity to try out different teams, projects, industries, and positions. (Asia) - an indication of low commitment, indecisiveness, and fragility.

Speaking up/whistleblowing at work: (US) - staying true to your values, doing what’s right, doing what’s moral. Your work is more than just pay - it demonstrates what you believe in too. Kudos. (Asia) - disobedience, disruption, and a need for discipline ASAP. Never speak up or out to your superiors, even if they’re wrong.

Founding something at a young age/putting a hold on school to build (this one hits home, hard): (US) - a year doesn’t make or break you. Try new things, meet new people, it’ll be an incredible experience. Fully focus on what you care about - school will always be there. (Asia) - WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND GRADUATE FIRST F*CK UP LATER

Yeah.

I’m almost tempted to machine-gun rebut with a slew of other issues I’ve observed in Asia.

Yes - America has its issues - but at least some of their youth have a glimmer of hope in their eyes, want to innovate, and see a future for themselves in the country. At least the educated young workforce isn’t brain draining at jaw-dropping numbers weekly. At least not everyone is depressed beyond repair, forced to enter one of law, medicine, or finance for parental approval. At least people smile and nod at you at a coffee shop or on the subway, instead of jumping away like human contact is the plague.

At least it’s okay to explore, be curious, and experiment.

But perhaps I haven’t completely abandoned Asian values after all, because my filial piety stops me.

“You know what?” I force a smile. “It’s okay. It’s not a big deal. It’s not quite the way I would characterize the US, but sure. Sure.”

Because sometimes, it’s just not worth it to argue with people who are set in their ways. Sometimes, you just need to see it to believe it.

”This is some great fish. Can I have some more?”

They’re satisfied, so they pass me the dish and go back to bashing the US for the same old (fair, but redundant) rhetorics they always resort to - guns, healthcare, and Trump.

And they all laugh, because it’s familiar, comfortable, and uncontested, and return to their ignorant views of what the other side of the world is really like.

/jg

05/30/24